Thursday, April 14, 2011

A Lesson in history.

Originially posted on Today I'm Grumpy About, 7/17/10

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberalism.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the another animal for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it…Let your next action reveal your true self,

I'm going to have another beer.


  1. Certainly explains a lot. LOL

    I agree Capt. Priceless

  2. Thinking that Hunter/Gatherer thing will be back in vogue sooner rather than later. Hoping my beer doesn't skunk before we get everything turned around. Bud is now InBev a Belgium company, and Coors is owned by Molson from Canada. I wonder if Strohs, Lonestar, or Hamms is still American?

    I immediately forwarded this to countless friends and associates. (Not counting the purveyor of these words of wisdom of course.)

    Ahh, too soon old, too late smart. :)

  3. I was fine until...

    If I like sushi, does that mean I have liberal tendencies? I'm a latent liberal?

    What can I do to overcome this? I don't just like sushi. I love it.


    Grumpyelder suggested that as long I you wash it down with Jack Daniels, I'll be fine. Problem is that I really don't like whiskey.

    I do like beer though. Would a Bud or a Coors be good enough?

  4. is easy...Cook your fish.

  5. Yishai.. A couple 6 packs will do the trick.. Winston Churchill drank brandy.. don't think he bothered sniffing the stuff..

  6. Yishai, scotch, a good single malt! Also helps get the tofu down.

  7. Yishai - I also have those latent liberal tendencies. I enjoy the TV shows "Modern Family" and "Parenthood". Not often, but on a few rare occasions, I have also been known to enjoy a glass of Merlot or Chablis. I have to watch "Dirty Harry" "Porky's" or "Sands Of Iwo Jima" to overcome those feelings. Evan Williams "Honey Reserve" is also a good substitute for the wine taste.

  8. Yishai, When you get an urge for sushi, just start drinking beer, any beer, until the urge passes.

  9. This is why I don't drink beer.. I drink wine..

  10. Swan, for you I'll have to see if Iget Bud to look up the enginer's explaination of a woman's mind..

  11. Thank you all for your help. After consulting with numerous experts (and of course, USMC1949's input was crucial), I think I can get away with minimal damage:

    I'll have the sushi BUT will also have a Bud while watching Dirty Harry or any of Clint Eastwood's older movies (not the newer ones though) on the computer, since I don't have a TV anyway.

    And if I'm away from the computer, I will substitute the movie with listening to Trace Adkins.

    Think that will work?


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