Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Yeah, There's an App for That

Remember when you were a kid in Grade School and your Mom made you bring those little cardboard Valentine's Day cards in for ALL the members of your class, your school Librarian, AND your Teacher (who never liked YOU anyway because your 'brother was a much better student than you will EVER be!')? 

Yeah, it WAS uncomfortable, wasn't it? 


Well, because you had to give a card to 'Girls who were mean to you', 'Girls who were 'less than beautiful'', 'the weird kid whose head was 'kind-a, sort-a flat' on the back of her skull, one eye would never be looking at you, and, then, most uncomfortable of all...  'Other guys in your class'. 

But you were a kid, right?  Personally, I learned that on Valentine's Day giving a cheesy cut-out card was okie-dokie just as long as there were plenty of cards to go around. 

The old adage goes:  If you don't have enough for everyone, don't bring any at all! 

Yup, words to live by. 

I delivered many non-erogenous, non-homophobic, non-offensive, and non-committal Valentine's Cards throughout my early Grade School experience.  I was a card-carrying-Valentine's-deliverin'-love-machine-with-glasses-and-a-crooked-grin-Fourth-Grader.  Yes I was!  Looking back at it now, Fourth Grade was the three best years of my life...

But alas, I had to grow up.  I had to become jaded.  I had to learn that Valentine's Day was no longer a day for hand-delivered cheesy cardboard cut-out cards. 

The world, they say, has 'moved on'. 

Personally, I'd be happy with a 'Fourth Year' of Fourth Grade given the remainder of this post...

And so my post-Fourth Grade education begins.

From the New York City Health Department...

February 14, 2011 – This Valentine’s Day, which is also National Condom Awareness Day, finding free NYC Condoms will be easier than ever. Today, the Health Department launched the NYC Condom Finder, a free smartphone application designed to locate the five nearest New York City venues that distribute free NYC Condoms. The application allows users to determine their location through either global positioning system (GPS) technology on their smartphone or by manually entering an address.

The application also provides specific directions to each venue (the user can choose from walking, driving or public transportation directions), the hours of operation for each location, the types of safer sex products available and helpful tips on condom usage. With almost 1,000 condom distribution locations throughout the five boroughs currently accessible through the mobile app, New Yorkers will find that no matter where they are, they can always be protected from sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV, and unintended pregnancy.

The new application is the latest effort to promote condom use in New York City through the Health Department’s free condom distribution program. These innovative attempts began in 2007 when New York City launched the nation’s first branded city condom.

Yes, you read that last section correctly, since 2007, the Big Apple has been distributing the Nation's First Branded City Condom!

Yes, this is THAT condom! 

I am sooooo proud to live in New York.

Boldly going where no other City-Branded condom has gone before...

"At the signpost up ahead...  The Latex Zone..."

Okay, so here's the deal:  You can download an 'App' onto your BlackBerry (a.k.a.:  a 'RIM Device'  (YEAH, scream with me now... EWWWW!!!)), Smart Phone, iPhone, or whatever other intelligent 'hand-held' device you may fondle as you walk the streets of Manhattan and be directed to the nearest purveyor of...  FREE CONDOMS!

Yes, you read that last section correctly.  If you're looking to throw down in the Big Apple, the Big Apple wants you to keep you 'apple-like juices' to yourself.  The "City that Never Sleeps" wants YOU to sleep SAFELY (with as many partners as you can find) and yes, with the aid of your Smart Phone's built-in GPS (Give-away Prophylactic Site locator) you'll be able to quickly and safely navigate your way to the nearest FREE Condom dispensing station!  Just in case you find yourself in New York, you meet some new friends, and you decide that you're gonna just get all 'Jiggy with dem'...  Hey, it could happen, right??? 

So just the other day I'm walkin' down the street in Binghamton and I'm thinkin', "Hey, I could really use some FREE Condoms right now, you knows, just in case the day gets 'Weirder' than it already is..."   So I says to myself, "I wonder where the FREE Condoms are?  Oh, dats right, in Binghamton dere ain't no free lunch, and dere ain't no free condoms -

WHY?  Because Upstate New York still has some vague understanding of 'class'...  This may be part of the Big Apple, but it is NOT the pit like they go there 'DownState'."

So this Valentines Day, stay out of Manhattan Island because NYC has VD (Valentine's Day) on its mind - and it's mind is FILTHY-DIRTY.

Although, thinking a bit more about it, if you wanted to make a few bucks, take your SmartPhone, cruise the streets of Manhattan and fill your pockets with rubberized GOLD. 

Because while the condoms may be FREE to you, there are plenty of teenage kids who would pay good money to get their hands on a few good NYC condoms, you know, for filling with water and dropping off the side of the apartment complex onto the street. 


Sure.  Right. 

If you want to find the actual Press Release (I'm not sure WHY you would do this), you can find it here:  NYC Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy

I've got to go now, I need to shower. 

Welcome to NEW YORK STATE!  The place where innocence goes to die.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Yeah, pretty much, we're doomed.


  1. I thought planned parenthood was the preferred method of birth control in NYC.

  2. Marine, don't think it's at the top of list but I'd bet it's in the top ten.

    I don't object to government making free or low cost condoms available at clinics But With A Govenment Lable? Geezus if someone is too stupid to find a drug store on their own, I don't think a Government Sponsored I Phone App will help any... odds are they're not bright enough to figure out how to turn it on.


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