Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Call me... "Doctor Moo"

Allow me to add yet another title to my already impressive collection of 'Faux' accomplishments:  "MD" (a.k.a.: Moodical Professional).

Sure, why not?

You may ask, "Hey Mike, do you feel that you have the training, the expertise, the professional qualifications to be a "MD"?  Aren't you being a bit presumptuous?"

In a word, no.

I have just solved a major medical mystery (from last week) and it took ALMOST six whole minutes. 

I probably should provide some back story information here so you too can be impressed by my medical prowess. 

Hey look!  Here it comes now!

I came across an article on the Huffington Post entitled:  "Diet Soda Tied To Stroke Risk, Though Reasons Still Unclear ". 

In this article, you'll find the following: 
It's far from definitive proof, but new research raises concern about diet soda, finding higher risks for stroke and heart attack among people who drink it everyday versus those who drink no soda at all.
Daily diet soda drinkers (there were 116 in the study) had a 48 percent higher risk of stroke or heart attack than people who drank no soda of any kind (901 people, or 35 percent of total participants).

Ahem [sound of throat-clearing], here's a newsflash for the folks at the Huffington Post: 
People who are FAT are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke.  People who are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke more often than not, DRINK...  Diet Soda.

Allow me to say with certainty that if you drink Diet Soda, you are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke. 

Why?  Because if you are NOT a FATTY (like me) you would NOT be drinking Diet Soda. 

As everyone knows, Diet Soda, compared to 'Regular Soda' tastes NASTY. 

One of three conditions MUST exist if you are drinking Diet Soda:

1.  You are FAT, or,

2.  You are allergic (or diabetic) and can't drink good-tasting sugary drinks, or,

3.  You are out of 'Regular Soda' and find an un-opened can of Diet Dr Thunder in the back of your pantry next to a half-eaten bag of mildewed Carob Raisins from when your space cadet niece visited six years ago.  You reach into the pantry, grab, turn and toss the Diet Dr Thunder into the trash... 

Then, you eat the mildewed Carob Raisins. 

WHY?  Have you ever tasted Diet Dr Thunder from WalMart?  Well, if you're asking, you've obviously never opened up a can and tasted it before, have you?  HAVE YOU!!!???!!!  Oops sorry, didn't mean to shout. 

Yeah, the above are pretty much the ONLY reasons to be drinking Diet Soda when Regular (a.k.a.:  'Real') Soda exists anywhere else on the planet. 

But if we re-visit my Option 1 above with the premise of the Huffington Post article:  IF I'm drinking Diet Soda THEN I'm more likely to have a stroke AND If I'm FAT, I'm more likely to have a stroke.  How do I know this?

Simple, I AM A MOODICAL PROFESSIONAL!!!  Now stop asking so many questions!  You didn't e-mail the author responsible for the original 'Huffy' article did you?  You believed it because it was ONLINE and everything ONLINE on true isn't it? 
[Note to self:  Begin posting all random thoughts and synaptic firings online as if they were true...  Hmm, looking back, it appears that I'm already doing this - Great idea!!!]

Oh, so anyway: I Googled "What's the impact of weight on the risk of stroke", I came across the following article:  As Obesity Increases, So Does Stroke Risk

This is what the authors if THIS article have to say:
The more overweight you are, the more likely you are to have a stroke, a new study reports.

The study, which followed 13,549 middle-aged Americans for 19 years, looked at stroke risk associated with several measures of obesity, emphasizing body mass index (BMI), a ratio of weight and height, but also such measures as waist circumference.

"We found that the risk of stroke was increased with each measure of obesity," said Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya, a visiting associate professor of public health at the University of Minnesota and lead author of a report published online Jan. 21 in Stroke.
First, I would like to personally thank Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya for spearheading this excellent report regarding the impact of obesity and the higher risk of stoke in weak-willed Americans. 

Second, I respectfully request that Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya ask 'his people' to shut down those wonderful 'All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet' restaurants across America. 

It's the LEAST he can do to save me from...  Myself.

IF the Huffington Post was my ONLY source for news [yeah, like THAT's gonna happen], I'd be scared to death.  But now that I have this latest round of 'scientific' report regarding Diet Soda AND the AJC report on Fatties both fighting for real estate in my noggin? 

Well, quite frankly, I'm freakin' terrified.

Although, how seriously do you take a 'scientific article' which contains the following phrase?: 
No significant differences in risk were seen among people who drank a mix of diet and regular soda.

So, if you drink Diet AND Sugar Drinks you're OKAY? 

What the???

Bottom line is this:  Drink what you want, because within DAYS of both of the above very important articles being released, The Center for Science In the Public Interest (that DOES sound important!) issued a statement saying that the Caramel coloring used in 'dark brown' soft drinks...  

Will give you cancer until you die

They've even petitioned the UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION to have the stuff banned everywhere it's used today. 

This, um, of course, means that it's pretty much used EVERYWHERE.  I hope you like a PALE yellow Coke Zero with your ice cream sundae.   

In the end, it always comes to the same - something WILL kill you.  Surprise!  Sooooo, it might as well be something you love (like 'Regular Soda') in an ice-cold mug with LOTS of ice and a maraschino cherry tumbling carelessly around the bottom of your glass, right? 

This cherry, of course, is chocked full of Red Dye 40 will ALSO kill you 'in color'

I'm also purposely NOT mentioning the eColi, microbial contaminants and antibiotics in the soda from the ice because, well, that would just be wrong.

You know what?  Maybe you'd better skip all this artificial stuff and get back to nature? 

How about a nice warm cup of tea and some organically-produced honey? 

Oh, what's that?  Your honey is the COLOR OF BLOOD!?!?!? 

Hmm, must be from New Jersey...  [Read more here]

I give up...

You folks are on your own. 

Good luck!

p.s.:  Did I mention that laptops give you testicular cancer if you keep them on your laps while spending an inordinate amount of time writing blogs about other stuff that will kill you?

It must be true because I just wrote it online.

I'd better wrap this thing up, you know, just in case...


  1. I have said for years if you stuff enough mashed potatoes up your arse that will kill you TOO. Good blog Dr. Moo's

  2. Ten out of ten dummies that read the huff post die.

  3. Fishy, When it comes to stuffing 'mashed potatoes up your', well, you know, I would think that the first 'Tater Tot' goin' North would qualify as 'TOO MUCH'. Some pathways are better traveled only in a singular direction.

    Madpole, THAT's classic.

    Have a nice day folks!

  4. I laugh every day at the latest "it will kill you" stories. Loved the red honey story, too funny.

    Who won

  5. Trust me on this one. It is also unhealthy to place a 12 gauge shotgun shell in a piece of pipe used as a horeshoe stake. Then search your fathers tool box for a center punch and ball pene hammer. You get the drift. Fortunately curiosity killed the cat but only slightly wounded yours truly. Maybe that is the reason I still hear locusts all the time though. If I am ever polled, I will affirm that is unhealthy.

  6. Moos - I know you are active with the Boy Scouts and a true patriot, but you really missed your true calling. Your brevity and humor lays the national columnists to shame.

  7. Moos agree with the marine about your writing skills..

    Sandra and I were just talking about the lack of good investigative reporters, actually the lack of investigative talent employed by newspapers, even the bigger ones and chains. NYT, WaPo, Gannett and Huffy combined couldn't have figured this out.

    Marine.. I've only heard you tell condensed versions of that story.. the one time you elaborated a ittle, I laughed my butt off. You need to post the long version sometime.

  8. Grumpy if not for all these dang nabbit moles and needing two hands to keep whacking them I would.

    The scar on my forehead at the hair line healed nicely. Now if I can just keep the hairline.

  9. funny... here is some MOO foresight..

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
    Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
    Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
    85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
    Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
    Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
    Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
    A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony,
    They Had simultaneous Headaches.
    Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
    Only 3 illegitimate children.
    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060..
    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..
    Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

  10. "Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut."

    Swa, sure am glad you said that.. if a man ever made that statement................

    Not a rosey picture, Guess it's a good thing James Carvella was wrong about that 40 liberal dynasty he predicted.

    Varmint, Moles and othe varmints aren't much of an issue here.... Do have an occassional bot that needs to exiled.


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