Sunday, July 10, 2011

Funny Bear Jokes

Let's give Grumpy something to smile about. I'll start

A hunter spots a grizzly bear 1,000 yards away, but he can't get any closer so he aims his rifle and pulls the trigger. He can see he's hit the bear, so he sets off after it.

When he finally catches up to the bear, the bear is clutching his shoulder and says, "Was it you who shot me?"

The hunter says, "Yes."

The bear says, "You need to be taught a lesson."

The bear strips off the hunter's clothes, bends him over, and has his way with him.

Several minutes later the hunter struggles to his feet, pulls himself together, and vows to find that bear. He searches through the woods, up hill and dale, and then he spots it 500 yards away, aims his rifle, pulls the trigger, and sets off after it.

When he catches up to the bear, the bear says, "Did you shoot me again?"

The hunter, trembling, says, "Yes."

The bear says, "Well, maybe this'll teach you,"

whereupon it grabs up the hunter, rips off his already tattered clothing, throws him violently to the ground, and really rips him a new one.

The hunter eventually gets to his feet, naked and dazed, and he decides he's going after the bear one more time.

He trips through dense underbrush, he trudges through soupy swamps, and he treks across vast valleys, and finally he finds the bear only a hundred yards away, across a small opening. He takes careful aim, holds his breath, and pulls the trigger. The hunter, already exhausted, sprints up to the bear.

The bear says, "Did you shoot me AGAIN?"

The hunter says, "Yep."

So the bear says, "You didn't really come here to hunt, did you?"


  1. That pink 22 should have been a clue. :)

    Have to meet you some day fishy. You are a with it young lady.

  2. A man from the city goes duck hunting on a farmers property with some marsh land.
    After 6 hours of wading through a cold marsh a duck finally flies by and he shoots the duck. The duck flops down next to a farm house and a 6'6" farmer comes out to see what's up.
    The man from the city walks up on the farmer and notices the farmers foot is on the duck's neck.
    The man from the city, say "good morning Sir". The farmer scolds him with "you're trespassing on my property!".
    The man from the city said: "Well, I'm sorry but that's my duck".
    The farmer shakes his head from side to side and said: "Nope, my farm, my property, my duck!"
    The man from the city explains that if he doesn't come home with a duck his suspicious wife will think he is lying.
    The farmer said: "Well, I can see that you're a city boy. . .so why don't we settle this country style".
    The city boy said; "How's that?"
    The farmer explained that they would "square off", and spread their legs wide apart, then take turn kicking each other in the balls until one of them falls to the ground. The last man stanting gets to keep the duck".
    They man from the city is thinking (F' that!, but I really do need to bring that duck home) and agrees to the contest.

    The farmer looks him in the eye and says "This is my farm, my property, so I will go first".
    The farmer starts stretching out his long legs with a couple of practice swings, then he slowly squares up in front of the man from the city. He hauls back his right leg and just kicks the man as hard as he can in the nads, lifting him about 3"s off the ground. The city man drops to the ground, rolling around for a few minutes, he slowly gets back up and coughs and weezes: "Well I guess its my turn now?"

    The farmer shakes his head, turns around and walks off laughing and says:


    Sorry, I don't have any Bear jokes.

    BTW: The Farmer was from somewhere up in Tennessee.

  3. Marine... Fishy came by to see me last week, a day or two before I had the surgery on my leg Saturday, "... I wasn't sure if I was still going to have all my toes, or for that matter my left foot when it was over. The best I could hope for was a incission in my groin.

    She gave me a little black bear holding a sign that said "Believe'.

    The Bear had the right message, at the right time..

  4. Sorry no bear jokes, but this one compliments of GPABUD:

    I boarded an airplane and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat.

    As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside mine.

    Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

    I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

    Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really?" I said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

    Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

    I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

    "Tonto, "I said, Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

  5. Kimosabe.

    LMAO USMC and Bud.

    Welcome back Grumpster.

  6. Hey guys & gals. I will be out of pocket Tues. through Saturday. Keep it clean until I return. Doing the 4th grandkids vacation this week. She being our little "Bling" girl wanted to visit the "Mall Of America" on her vacation. Go Figure. Anyway will leave Y'All with this one:

    One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
    "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

    In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and
    surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the door of the next room.
    In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

    "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said...........

    (This is priceless...)

    "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

    The devil made me do it. :)

  7. SOL - Glad it was not that Jerry Clower story of the farmer having to put down and old cow, and the city boy shooting the rest of his cows thinking he was helping out.

  8. LOL good on USMC. Have fun at the Mall. I'm going there the end of this month.

  9. Fishy - FUN...... Unless there is a good gun shop with an indoor range, a computer store, or a Borders, I will just be along to let the ladies off at the door and pick them up. Oh, and to choose and find the restaurant exactly 5 minutes before they get hungry. That and pay for all meals. (After all, it is shopping. How many pairs of shoes do young and older ladies actually need?)

    Back when I was working in St Paul, I parked went in, 2nd level 140 degrees off the entrance, purchased an apron, and back in the car all within 10 minutes. That is my kind of shopping. Besides, the Mall is not nearly as good a girl watching facility as Hartsfield Atlanta, DFW, or MSY.

  10. for several days in a row, little pedro was very late to school. finally, exasperated, the teacher asked him why he was late. little pedro said, "every morning i have to take de bull down to de cows". the teacher was ticked of & said, that's ridiculous, can't your father do that himself?" after a moment's thought, little pedro replied, "si, teacher, but not so good as de bull". alphamom/marianne

  11. How many pairs of shoes do young and older ladies actually need?)

    I have 35 pairs of flip flops. Now I have to find a pair of black shoes to wear to a wedding in Minneapolis on the 30th. I threatening to wear my leopard print flops but Mr Fishy won't go along with it.

    I noticed, at the outlet mall, in Pigeon Forge, they have a lot of benches. All of them were filled with men surrounded by shopping bags. This is a good thing. Mr Fishy loves to shop too. Our favorites are cooking stores. Well he likes the underwear stores too. ;)

    Cute Alpha :)

  12. Fishy - Yep and most of the benches at the Apple Hollow and Red Roof outlets are in the shade. Thank God for I-Phone, and "American Rifleman".

    Bet those leopard Flip Flops(I remember when they were called thongs) would turn a few eyes.

  13. I plan to wear them later for dancing at the reception. I'll make sure to post photos. Yes I remember when we called them thongs. Of course I also remember when gay meant I was happy.

  14. Just do not dance in what now is called a thong. Yep, be happy, safe, and care free.


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